Girl Without A Name: The story of a life of hope a

Right now I feel very confused… I dont know what is me, what is mental illness, and what is stress… I want to make concrete decisions but I am just not ready… Every time I think I know what I want, something happens to change it all again and I find myself questioning everything…

I know that I feel very lonely…

I also know that I dont want lonliness to be the driving force behind any decision I make…

I have to go now, but I will be back later to finish this discussion… I think…

Current Mood:  Hurting…
Current Music:  Self-imposed silence in an effort to outrun the painful sharpness of post-withdrawal sound…

And sadly, it is still not safe for me to return to this sacred place of mine… yet

So much has happened, and continues to happen in my life that I dearly wish I could talk about in here, if for no other reason than to clear my own mind and to maybe, once more, better understand myself and what it is I really think and how it is I really feel… But as I have already said, it is not safe to do so just yet…

Right now my feelings deeply confuse me… Both the intensity of them and the complete absence of them… Everything seems to be in a state of flux… And until I can remove the greatest sources of the stress that is causing this fluid inconsistency… until I can find a way to no longer be this terrified, gunshy, little girl… well… nothing is going to change 😦

The thing that frightens me the most right now is that I will forever be caught in a cycle of fighting so hard for my freedom, only to begin to gain it and then to lose it again… Then to begin the heartbreaking fight to gain it again… I am so sick of this cycle… I am so sick of the abuse… Of being owned and consumed and used up and possessed! I am ME! I just want to be ME! Why is it that the only time I am allowed to be ME is when I am completely alone?! Why is ALONE the price I must pay just to be ME?! Being ME is MY BASIC RIGHT! God, I just want to SCREAM!

And no, its not just men… Its women too! Its PEOPLE! The second I let someone get really close to me, the cycle begins all over again… 😦 Well, here is the simple truth: You are RIGHT! Its NOT me… It really IS YOU! You are the one doing everything you can to own and possess and me! You have NO RIGHT! And if you REALLY loved me, you WOULDNT do ANY OF THAT!!!! So STOP lying to ME and to YOURSELF! Either TRULY love me… or LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!… ALL of you!

God, I so badly need to come home… 😥 Please… please let that time when I will be safe here once more, come soon… please 😥

Current Mood:  Despairing and so alone…
Current Music:  The sound of a frightened child, crying alone…

She was Anglo-Indian and beautiful… She had gorgeous big green-blue
eyes, long dark wavy hair, traditional indian makeup and jewellery, and
she was dressed in a beautiful traditional sari… I also wore
traditional indian makeup, jewellery and clothing…

We were both
dancing…

There were people in the street watching us… We danced
together and yet… Completely separately… Our bodies each made
beautiful graceful shapes as we twisted and turned and allowed our
bodies and our souls to become saturated in the atmosphere and in the music…

And then somehow I was falling… Only it was in slow-motion… And I
wasnt falling so much as I was drifting… Down and down and down… Until I
was laying flat on my back on the ground… But I never stopped moving
and dancing…

Neither did she…

And then she was falling… Or drifting… Also in slow-motion… Also down and down and down… Until she was somehow beside me, yet on top of me…

And then we kissed… So softly…

Then I woke up…

It was such a strange dream… Yet it somehow felt so right… Like I was where I was meant to be… But the dream was and wasnt about my sexuality… It was just so… So peaceful…

When I woke up, for the first time in what feels like forever I felt refreshed… At peace on every level…

Current Mood:  What can only be described as blissed out at the memory of such a wonderful dreaming experience… I wonder what it all means?
Current Music:  Strains of the music that was playing as this mystery girl and I danced in the crowded street…

And that was because I didnt sleep… And not sleeping was the direct result of what is currently going on with him in my life!

This simply cant go on…

I have my girls coming to stay with me for four days this weekend… And while I cant wait, I also have no idea of how I am going to cope on no sleep and so much bloody stress and anxiety… Not to mention having to find a way to keep things relaxed and normal around them with him around! I never know who I am going to get; the wonderful family-friendly guy or the jealous sulky passive-aggressive two-year-old… I wont allow him to steal my time and attention from them either directly (via confrontations in front of the girls or in private while I am meant to be spending time with them), or indirectly (because Im so stressed out)… So what the hell do I do? (Being that sending him away doesnt work – the text messages keep coming anyway – and his unexpected absence only serves to worry the girls as well)…

And on top of everything else, I need to be on top of my game so I can work because the bills NEVER stop coming in and I just dont have the money to pay them… I dont have anything left for anyone right now and all I have everywhere I look are more and more demands… Well the only ones with the right to demand anything from me are my precious girls! Not him… Not work… Not anyone or anything else! Yet that is all there is all around me right now… FUCKING DEMANDS!

*screams*:  LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE ALL OF YOU! Let me breathe… Let me think… Let me live! Let me just be a mother to my babies… Stop trying to own and possess me ALL OF YOU! Im MINE! I belong to ME (and to my girls)! NOT TO A SINGLE ONE OF YOU! DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?! I DONT BELONG TO ANY OF YOU!

*continues to scream*:  Now get your hands and your thoughts OFF OF ME!

Current Mood:  I cant breathe… I cant move… I cant think… I cant escape… Im drowning! PLEASE… SOMEBODY… HELP ME!
Current Music:  Screaming inside as I try to escape the inescapeable… Screaming that is muted by the smothered paralysis of the sleeping body and by everyone around me’s refusal to listen or to take action on my behalf… I am so alone here and nobody is on my side… Please… Somebody help me!

While I stand by what I said in last nights meltdown, what I experienced today was so much different… Today this same person was infinitely considerate, gentle, loving, and went out of their way to help me to lift my mood… God, why are life and relationships so fucking complicated?! Why cant people just be all good or all bad? Ok, so that was a pretty simplistic, niave, blanket statement to make (especially for me)… And no I dont really want people to be all good or all bad… But if only things were simpler…

I dont know why things were so different today… And I feel like a bitch for having initially been suspicious that last nights entry and what I experienced today may have been connected… Now, I suspect that this person was just being themselves today… And I am grateful for the kindness extended to me… And for how much I am loved…

As for my relationship with this journal? Well, I think that I need to take baby steps… No… Im further down the track than that… Maybe toddler steps would be more appropriate… I think that it is going to be a while yet before I am ready to give up my ‘permission only’ private journal, and begin disclosing everything in here again… And the person last nights entry was directed at isnt the only threat I face when I am honest in here… But… I do believe that this is the beginning of my very determined and hard-earned return to this place I created where I could feel safe; where I could be me…

Current Mood:  Emotionally conflicted… Relieved… Determined…
Current Music:  A temporary quietening of the recently deafening noise of internal conflict and rage…

LETS PLAY!!!!

Pigs arse you dont obsessively troll my journal sites (and any other site you know I am on or that you think I may be on) looking for every tiny scrap of information you can possibly find! Bullshit you dont expect me to explain and justify anything and everything I say or do in here! Whether that be what I write, photos I publish, or messages people send me (which helloooo! I have no control over!!!!) Tell me, how fucking hard was it for you to keep quiet since the second my last entry was published?! Was it killing you inside?! And when you finally broke and confronted and grilled me as gently as you possibly could, when you thought I was so overwhelmed with stress that I wouldnt notice, and you still got no information… What then? Did it make you feel like you were going NUTS inside?!

Ever since we met almost a year ago, I have allowed how YOU feel to come before the sanctity of MY thoughts and feelings on MY private journal… Ive allowed that to come before the only safe place I have to go to fight for my sanity! That was a huge mistake! When you asked me not to write about my feelings about you and our relationship, I respected that… Even though they were MY feelings about something going on in MY life… Not anything that would infringe on YOUR privacy!!!! Then when you behaved as though it was your RIGHT to INTERROGATE me on whatever you read in my journal, I STUPIDLY LET YOU GET AWAY WITH IT! Again, what a huge mistake! I cant believe I let you do that!

And do you know WHY its such a huge mistake?!

Because this is MY FUCKING JOURNAL! Because they are MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS! Because this is MY SACRED SPACE! This is where I come to sort out how I feel… This is MY PLACE! *Screams in pain and fury*… ITS MINE!!!! Do you HEAR ME?! ITS FUCKING MINE!!!!

So get the fuck out of my sacred space! Dont you dare come in here anymore! I trusted you when I let you into my heart and into my life! I gave you everything you demanded of me! I gave you all I had! And this is how you reward such love and trust?! You call me to account for every tiny thought and feeling I have ever had, even when it had nothing to do with you?! And then you dare to not believe the explaination you are given and you punish me for your disbelief and your distrust and your insecurity?! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!

The only people who are welcome in here are those who abide by the RULES! Those who would never do what you have done!

And dont you dare ask me if I am referring to you or to someone else! You know exactly who you are! Asking will only insult us both and result in me screaming at you!

Oh and another thing… Dont you dare try and twist this around emotionally to make this all about YOU!

I cant believe Ive lost almost a whole year in this journal!

Current Mood:  Enraged at both myself (for being so niave, so trusting, and so stupid), and at him (for daring to do what he has done)…
Current Music:  Screaming rage inside that refuses to be stuffed back down this time…

By watching instead of just experiencing (which I have done before but with varying degrees of what I would consider success), I was able to see things the way they are so much more clearly than ever before… Couple that with knowledge I already had but somehow hadnt yet managed to apply to the situation I am in and it spells my possible final freedom from something I never believed I would truly escape…

An emotional stronghold this person had over me has been broken in a way that I dont believe I could repair even if I wanted to (which I dont)…

So now all that is left for me to do is to decide how I want to deal with the situation… Do I deal with it the mature way and deny myself a long-held and much deserved rather dramatic closure/public shaming/calling to account? Not to mention, then having to live with yet another very, very bad time in my life, at the hands of someone who abused me so badly and for so long, being kept quiet and secret… Or do I decide on the much more satisfying, yet honestly beneath me (because Im so much classier than that) way of dealing with things, and get that gratification, but feel less of a person because of it? (Even though I wouldnt have done anything that in any way brought me down to this person’s level to achieve it… But lets face it, there is still a huge difference between ‘not doing anything wrong’ and ‘taking the high road’ (which is the road I almost always choose without fail))…

Either way, I lose on some level…

Its now a question of what is more important to me… Or… Can I have both??

Current Mood:  Determined… Clear… Angry, but not consumed by it, instead, motivated by it and focussed…
Current Music:  Very literal, quite loud, ringing in my ears, which has become the normal ‘soundtrack’ accompanying the migraines and headaches I have been experiencing every night (and most days) of late…

I havent decided yet… And there are still things I need to say that I think I will reserve for my private ‘permission only’ journal… But I think it will very soon be time to come home once again…

It feels good to begin to breathe again… It feels good to see an end in sight to the fear that has prevented me from coming in here for so long… It feels good to be finally taking back control of my life…

Its feels good again to be re-becoming me…

Current Mood:  Determined and hopeful…
Current Music:  The sound of crickets outside of my window in the real world, temporarily drowning out the internal noise of the chaos that exists inside of me…

Current Mood:  Despairing and overwhelmed by emotions too big to feel without drowning in them…
Current Music:  Cut – by Plumb…